the last month or so hasnt been that great for me to be honest. my depression has gotten worse and i feel like im in a spiral downward. like some of my other friends anime oasis is my release of the year and i really did have fun but the release got taken away the first night. now that im back at home ive realized that release or not you still come home to the same shit. in my case its fighting with mom and feeling abandoned by odinn.

mom and i have never fought this much. i just cant handle her and its becoming a living hell... i want odinn to get off his ass and do something about getting a real job so we can get our own place. so i can get away from her. i love my son to death but im so not ready for parenthood especially when im alone in it. the good thing about mom is she helps with him. because of my depression im not capable of taking care of him. i melt down everytime. now im being forced to go to her fucking health program that she decided to make a full day with two classes instead of to different sessions. so now im stuck at the church because she cant take care of larus there without me. and i melt down when im alone with him. so we;ve been arguing about that and money and all sorts of bullshit. i got accepted for a job 3 weeks ago but had to decline when i realized she was doing this and i would have no way to get to work since i dont drive. i hate living here but i dont know what to do.

i have a feeling i will be here forever, because there is no way i can support myself alone, and i doubt odinn will ever get a better job. im surprized when he actually wants to spend time with larus. its rare. and he tells me i need to step up to the plate. i also dont know how much longer i can handle his melt downs every few months... or in some cases weeks. it rips me apart every time. im falling apart and i feel completely alone. i left nick because we werent able to be together because of his mom and i was never able to see him so i started falling away. now its happening with odinn but it seems to be what he wants. i got with him in the first place because he was there for me. but now when things are so hard for me i feel alone all over again. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions really speak other words. i hate it. i love him but he is hurting me. the past month and a half has been the worst. and at con he completely blows up at me for no reason, or at least he wasnt able to give me a good reason. he tells me i am ruining his con that its his release and im messing it up and that i messed up his last con too. that he has to take care of me because i cant. then after a nap he is fine and says its not true that he was just frusterated. so then everything was fine. it seems the only times he is over here that he sleeps and then goes home. yes its a little more than that but for the most part thats how it feels. he doesnt want to be here and has told me so.

i want my own life away from my parents with someone who really loves me and wants to take care of me. and ive started having the feeling that it isnt odinn. i love him, but ive started to wonder why i keep letting him hurt me. i cant stop crying about him. and thats not a relationship. i dont know what to do. now ive had a kid with him and he is the father and i dont want to take larus away from him but if this is what my life will be like till i die i wonder if thats the best for larus. i want him to have a dad who wants this family.

please someone i need advice i really need help i hate my life and just want to be happy for more than 4 months of my life.